


Platonic

by LadyAllana



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Canon Compliant, Eating Disorders, He Is A Saint, Hurt/Comfort, I'M IN LOVE, Kyuhyun's Accident, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Ryeowook Needs A Hug, Stream of Consciousness, Too Much Heechul, leave me alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-09 01:05:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4327950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAllana/pseuds/LadyAllana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not a big source of happiness, it's not painful either. But, he thinks, it's balance, it's how he is always supposed to be. </p>
<p>(Ryeowook coping with life over the years and yearning for Kyuhyun? I don't even know what this is.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Platonic

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know what this is, I have a lot of Suju feels lately and I need to get them out somehow. So I'm really sorry for this...mess.
> 
> Obviously not edited, seriously guys blame it on my feels after seeing Heechul cry, I'm SORRY!

''Listen, I'm yours. That's it. No expectations. This isn't an over the top declaration of love or an attempt to work my way into your heart. We're friends, and I'm grateful for that. This is just a promise that if you ever need me, I would move the earth to be there''  
-Beau Taplin // Platonic

 

 

For him, it's not a sudden revelation. It's not a bright light in the middle of the night, it's not the full moon, it's not the fresh spring air that fills your lungs the moment you step out on a sunny day. It's just there. He thinks it has always been there, even before he met him, surely he must have felt like this because anything else is simply unimaginable. It's not overwhelming, it's not painful, it's not joyful, it's just...is. 

It's just him.

When they first met, all those years ago in a stinky practice room full of sweat and tears, there was nothing different. How could there be? He was here, the place of his dreams and he was working his ass off to achieve them. He had the future in his grasp and he was happy and when he came nothing really changed.

He was happy. 

Well, somethings had changed. They finally got the first place. He remembers being so happy then that the tears just came and they were unstoppable until he was hyperventilating after in the backstage and Heechul hyung was holding him tight, trying to match their breathing. And he remembers that idiot, biting his lips hard enough to break the skin, not shedding a tear until he hugged Leeteuk hyung tight, and finally cried on his shoulder.

He was not jealous at all. 

 

He had thought back then, with the constant practice and the overflowing endorphins the pain was finally gone. It had a horrible time in his life but it was needed so it was OK, right? He remembers half the dorm holding his hair, his back, his arms when he threw up but no one would say a word, Sungmin would put some Disney movie on and Heechul hyung would casually put his legs over his stomach, he knew it was to keep him warm but never said anything, and it was OK. All of these were of course before him, before the blinding happiness that came with success, before the accident. 

Things happened so fast that he just couldn't keep track. Donghae's father and Heechul hyung and then the accident. 

It's after the accident the cramps start again. This time he is careful not to show it to anyone, because with Leeteuk hyung and poor Kyuhyun it hardly matters. He simply needs to be invisible because Kyuhyun is the one who needs the help and the care and the prayers and he can't afford to be weak right now. 

It's not until a couple of weeks later Heechul and Hankyung take him to their room and Heechul just makes him sit there and lays on his lap. He says his leg is hurting and that's the reasong why someone has to play with his hair? Out of all the outrageous things he can say, he also adds Hankyung sucks at it so he must help him this instant. Heechul's big cat eyes look at him with an innocence he knows that has never existed and Hankyung brings him a bowl of porridge to eat. 

It almost takes him two hours to finish half of it. 

Heechul falls asleep on his lap.

Later he just hugs the older man awkwardly and says thank you. Heechul hits him on the head.

 

***

 

They don't let them stay with Kyuhyun for long, but when they do Heechul hyung gives his visitation time to him and somehow makes Hankyung and Kangin hyung as well. He is pretty sure Kangin is being blackmailed but seeing Kyuhyun there, breathing on his own, with his eyes open...it feels like he can finally breathe as well. During that few moments in between he feels the weight on his lungs lifting, the stone crushing his ribs dissapears. 

The cramps ease -he thinks pain was too easy to get used to again- the moment he goes near Kyuhyun and sits at the edge of the bed, holding the younger ones cold hand with even colder fingers. 

It's not a big source of happiness, it's not painful either. But, he thinks, it's balance, it's how he is always supposed to be. 

 

***

 

Things just, kind of get better after that. Kyuhyun is released from hospital and back with the group. He too, is getting better, though perhaps more slowly but he is determined not to show this around Leeteuk hyung and Kyuhyun. It just becomes a habit then, to cook for the others and some days Heechul hyung simply refuses to be moved from his precious computer so he takes the food to him and Heechul shares, without even looking at his face, tells him about the games, the fan fictions, ''Can you believe not a single one of them believes I'm famous?'' 

Being near Kyuhyun makes him calmer, makes him hurt less and Heechul helps with the rest.

He heals. 

***

And things blur. Hankyung decides to leave the group and things get so messy so fast that he feels like he is spiraling all over again. The fights start, especially between the older members until Shindong yells at Kangin and Leeteuk makes Donghae cry. No one has the slightest idea how to be calm and collected for a while, yet alone him. 

The suffocation continues, every single minute he is alone away from Kyuhyun, so he tries to spend more time with him. Heechul hyung he feels, is too broken himself to think about others though he tries. He fakes that evil smile and makes him cook fried rice over and over again until he gets it right and makes him try a spoonful every single try so by the time they give up he's had a full meal. 

 

***

 

He is grateful for K.R.Y. Not only because it allows him to show his vocals but because he feels safer with Kyuhyun standing close. He thinks maybe he should be jealous, jealous of this kid who came later and took his place as the youngest and as the vocal and even made him relapse but when it comes to Kyuhyun he is not capable of harsh, unpolished feelings. 

 

Before their first concert as a sub group, Yesung hyung holds his cheeks and gives him a big smile before kissing his forehead. It's a messy kiss, and philtrums are way too much involved but he is to anxious to pat hyungs sweaty hands away.

Kyuhyun gives him a half-assed hug but then takes his hand and leads him all the way to the stage.

He feels alive.

**

Sometimes it feels like things happen too fast, that he is just going through the motions. Heechul hyung goes to the army and Donghae is always upstairs so he finds himself holding game nights for Kyuhyun, Changmin and sometimes the rest of their gang. Though Heechul hyung is not here most of the time, his game console is and Changmin feels it's too good of an opportunity to pass so here they are. 

He just sits and watches until Kyuhyun drags him into it and Minho gives him a controller and he finds himself laughing so hard that he has crapms all through the night.

Somehow, they don't hurt as much.

*

The nights he holds Sukira open concerts and the nights he sneaks away to sing his heart out in Hongdae feel drastically different from his group concerts. In the concerts he feels at ease, safe. They practice over and over again until there is no mistake and even if there is, a member is always near to hug it out.

The musicals too, are a game, a novel, a different world and a different person he never is. He is comfortable in the skin of another characters but feels uncomfortable watching Kyuhyun or even Sungmin, so he assumes the others feel it as well. It's hard to pretened someone you've lived years with is completely a different person, no matter how convincing their acting is.

But yes, nights like this, his throat threatening to close up under heavy snow, it feels like being stripped naked, being skinned alive. They make him remember why he started all this in the first place, why he sang without the fans holding him up and hyungs holding him together. 

Singing in the middle of the street like anyone, makes him remember music and melody and a bunch of stuff Super Junior somehow makes him forget. He supposes he must feel guilty for thinking this way, in the end he owes his group everything but sometimes its hard.

Never ending practice and the scandals and the malicious comments and upcoming new groups who need more attention then the already popular SUJU. After ever meeting he feels like throwing up.

So instead, he comes and sings under the snow, in an underground bar, an empty karaoke room until he starts crying. Until he starts bleeding, until the pain and the disappointment seep out with the notes and they lyrics.

He has been clean for two years.

 

***

 

The company decides for Kyuhyun to make a solo comeback. 

Yesung hyung is supposed to be acting low but takes him out for drinks anyway and somehow the manager needs Kanging hyung to tag along so they can carry them back home. Saying that he doesn't feel jealous would be a lie, but he feels he isn't quite as devastated as Yesung hyung.

Carrying the vocals over the years they had their up and downs, especially when sharing lyrics with at least 7 other men. Having solo songs felt both a blessing and a curse because though they were free to fly, they were also very much dependent on their members by now. 

Still, no matter how amazing Kyu's voice is, both of them can't help but to admit maybe they wished for this a little bit more than their level headed maknae, maybe they deserved it more because they were here longer and they were older...and it was useless to think about things that weren't even true. 

Hyung mopes and then worries over his drinking because maybe it isn't healthy for him to go drinking while being unstable, 'I'm ok hyung, I don't do that anymore.', when they decide to part ways they hug it out and make the whole bar cheer for Kyuhyun, and he actually feels happy for the first time since he has heard the news.

Still, hyung starts crying on his shoulder and he follows him soon after until Kangin hyun is holding them up by their collars, carrying two crying vocalists back to a perfectly normal, not a celebrity car.

 

***

 

And soon enough it becomes obvious that maybe this is a little bit more than Kyuhyun can handle. He is as successful and as powerful as always but his eyes lose some of their shine and he starts to look pale and sickly so he does what he does the best.

He frets, and cooks the whole house. Seeing all the food in the house Donghae gives a little whoop and goes to call all the others for dinner. Heechul hyung says he is eating out but gives him a sly smile as he steals a huge piece of kimbap.

If he pinches Kyuhyun's ass when he sees him in front of the door to make him yelp and smile, Kyuhyun has no idea where that girly scream came from.

That night almost all of them gather in the iiving room of the second floor dorm with plates in their hands and watch a Disney movie, first time he thinks in the absence of Heechul. 

Hours later when Heechul and Leeteuk hyung wake him up to ask if he can feel his legs, he finds Kyuhyun sprawled all over them, drooling on his sweatpants. He bids hyungs goodnight and spends the rest of the night watching the younger man snore on him. 

 

***

 

Kyuhyun falls to bed sick just hours after the promotions end, which honestly doesn't surprise anyone. 

He promises over and over not to do this ever again while they try to bring his fever down and Leeteuk hyung cries over whether to take him to the hospital or not. They put him on his bed, so that they are close to the downstairs kitchen which is always stocked with healthier food and a considerable amount of medicine and Heebum must be bored because he lies by Kyuhyuns side until he falls into a restless sleep.

Later that night, the cramps hit somewhere between the last of the dishes and the first set of tears. Some nights are still harder than the others and he is so close to three years now and mature enough to know locking himself in the toilet and hurling ınto a bowl until he can't feel his lungs won't help him. 

He walks back and forth in the living room for a couple of hours, trying to get rid of the pain until, Heebum's scratchings wake Heechul up and a black and pink, ajumma haired nightgown wearing mess takes the cat away and locks him to his own room, with a feverish man in his bed.

He checks Kyuhyuns temperature and changes the wet towel on his head, then unable to do anything else this exhausted crawls beside him for the night.

We wakes up to Kyuhyun holding him tight, with one hand sprawled over his stomach and legs entertwined.

 

***

 

Things don't get weird after that. He doesn't think he has made his feelings obvious to anyone but Heechul, and maybe Changmin, but Changmin knows not to get involved with Super Junior troubles, no matter how much they might concern his best friend.

Kyuhyun is still KyuKyu to him, and he replies back with that silly nickname with a silly smirk on his face, or with a grumble having breakfast at 4.30 in the morning trying to catch up with their schedules. 

If they sit together more or play more games together, he doesn't notice until Jonghyun calls him to ask if he can give hyung back to them now because they need to catch a plane to India thank you very much.

So maybe he finds himself smiling a little more.

And maybe not all of those smiles are on his own.

 

***

Heechul hyung moves out around the time Yesung hyung is back in the group, with a highlighted note on the fridge 'Bring Me Food, You're Mine' The house feels alone without him and Donghae on his tour so he somehow becomes a frequent cook to Heechul and Gunhee hyung whom he can never quite get along with. 

Hyung still watches him while he eats, but he doesn't quite seem as on edge or as protective anymore, so most of the time he forgets why Heechul's eyes linger on his plate once in a while.

After dinner he joins the Kyuline for a night out and Kyuhyun dozes off on his shoulder.

Changmin won't stop sniggering. 

 

***

 

In Tokyo Dome, with thousands screaming their name Ryeowook looks at the crowd knowing that things are going to change pretty soon with almost half their members enlisting. Devil is long recorded and waiting for a kick ass MV in the studio, which Kyuhyun promises them all that no one will ever be able to forget. 

With their 10th anniversary almost here, he feels like he came a long way but made a little progress when it comes to himself.

The pain is still here, under his skin, he is still fighting his battles.

Yet, he looks at the sapphire ocean infront of him, to Yesung hyung who watches over them and to Kyuhyun who gives him a warm smile almost as vibrant as the one he gave him after he tackled him infront of their fans minutes earlier.

Yesung hyung nods and Kyuhyun takes his hand in his to take a one last bow. 

His hand sweaty and warm.

It's more stable than anything in his life right now. 

It's not nearly enough to make him better, bring him all the happiness in the world. It doesn't shift the moon out of orbit or makes his heart stop. No matter how glamourous, his life is not a fairytale.

But it keeps the pain at edge. 

It makes feel calmer. 

Still, this is love, he thinks. 

It's enough.


End file.
